Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists

Got this in an email from a friend in the US ages ago.... before Brokeback went to the Oscars. It's so funny, I just have to share it, even though by now I'm sure it must have circled the world several times....

I got this before I knew much about the movie - a gay themed movie will not get coverage in the local media, and I had not read many reports on it in the web yet.... but this joke pretty much told me the plot and the character development of the movie.

Enjoy . . .

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists
for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1963

WEEK ONE

1. Beans
2. Bacon
3. Coffee
4. Whiskey

WEEK TWO

1. Beans
2. Ham
3. Coffee
4. Whiskey

WEEK THREE

1. Beans al fresca
2. Thin-sliced Bacon
3. Hazelnut Coffee
4. Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
5. K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR

1. Beans en salade
2. Pancetta
3. Coffee (espresso grind)
4. 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
5. 2 tubes K-Y gel

WEEK FIVE

1. Fresh Fava beans
2. Jasmine rice
3. Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
4. Medallions of veal
5. Porcini mushrooms
6. 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
7. 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
8. 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
9. 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX

1. Yukon Gold potatoes
2. Heavy whipping cream
3. Asparagus (very thin)
4. Organic Eggs
5. Spanish Lemons
6. Gruyere cheese (well aged)
7. Crushed Walnuts
8. Arborio Rice for Risotto
9. Arugula
10. Clarified Butter
11. Extra Virgin Olive oil
12. Pure Balsamic vinegar
13. 6 yards white silk organdy
14. 6 yards pale ivory taffeta
15. 3 cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
16. Large tin Crisco

Dilberted (a.k.a. people you dont want help from, #1)

It was Friday afternoon when he dropped by to visit, carrying the tool of his new trade: an open spreadsheet in his laptop, crammed with action items in every cell.

Now I may never be the life and soul of any party I attend, but I am sociable enough to be happy to see a friend again after has left my department to find "new and different challenges" elsewhere.

My pleasure at seeing him again, however, was sort-lived. "I want to talk to you," he said carefully, as though weighing his words, and selecting the ones least likely to cause me to spontaneouly combust, "about your server security check."

My first reaction was "Oh no - more work."

But then I kicked myself: He's a friend, and what's more, he himself was working with a team doing security checks less than a month ago . . . surely he will have some practical tool that simplifies my team's work and/or increases our skill. After all - he's gone and joined the Security Compliance team. What else would he do?

Things are never really what they seem to be.

"How sure can you be," he said, "that when your teammate puts a 'YES' in the checklist, they really checked and found the setting to be as required?"

"Uuuuhhhhh" I said, totally flabbergasted.

"It has happened before," he said, "that for whatever reason, a person could have indicated 'YES' when the answer should have been 'NO'. We would like to make it so that we (the security section) can verify the security checks".

Ok, I'm open to any resonable suggestions....

"Well," he said, "can you write a program that prints to a file all the security settings in your system?"
Me? Write a program?
"Then can you indicate in each line of that output file, which question in the security check that that line satisfies?"

Excuse me? You want me to produce an output dumb enough for a total idiot to check? But our auditor to date has never asked for a clearly marked file... in fact, he asked for a dump file, which you would need tools to decipher.

"fine then," he said, "can you get those tools, and produce that output for the auditor...."

But - but - dont you security guys know what tools are out there? Don't you know what the auditor uses? Because I dont!!

Bottom line - and this is the point of this entry/blog/rant - is that he wanted me to 'enhance' my report so someone with no knowledge could check it. He was not offering to train me or my team in better managing our machines. He was not bringing a tool that helped us do our security checks faster and more accurately. He just wanted someone to write a program (who the heck is going to keep it current, and make changes everytime something on the machines changes?) and then spend hours marking up the report so that someone ignorant of the system could compare it to the security checklist.

No. Sorry. It does not work that way. A program that can pull security settings from dozens of places is not possible. We are not master programmers, we dont maintain complex applications.

No. Sorry. I will not spend my already insufficient time poring over a WORD document to hilight which line satisfies section A.1.2.1.17, and which line satisfies section A.1.3.1.21.

Go Away - you are not bringing any value to me. You call ourself a security specialist, but your team refuses to develop or acquire any skill in security implementation on any platform. Managing security gaps by spreadsheet makes you only a Project Manager, and a bad one at that. Knowing intimately how the Security Process works makes you just a Process Architect, and a limited one at that.

Come back when you can teach me to secure a Websphere server. Or how to verify TFTP is not exploitable.

Come back when you can do what it says you can do on your business card.

IKEA Canteen

Have you ever been to the IKEA centeen in Mutiara Damansara?
It serves hearty meals at resonable prices... well.. resonable if you consider the other eateries in IKANO.... the only place more resonable would be the food court, but not quite as hearty.

Anyway... IKEA's business model is interesting - keep costs as low as possible, and pass the savings to the customer. Result: pretty good furniture and home accessories for pretty aceptable prices. (This can't compare with Courts Mammoth though, where the business model is more of low quality for lower price.... but thats comparing apples to oranges I'd say).

The only problem is, we 'educated' Klang Valley managers, executives and consultants all can't seem to get the idea that we play a part in contributing to the lower cost of operation (and by extension, the lower price to the customer - us). In spite of clear signs in the canteen requesting patrons to pick up their own food trays, invariably there are monkeys who leave their trays on the tables and walk away.
What - when it was stacked with enough food to feed an African village for a month, it was light enough to carry, but now that you have polished off 90% of it, the remaining vegetables and gravy and half cup of coffee is too heavy for you?

So IKEA has to employ additional staff just to man the tables... to pick up scraps and trays, and put stuff away. These people could be used more constructively elsewhere. And DONT please someone say "Oh - we are creating employment by leaving the tray on the table" You wont deserve to be acknowledged with an answer.

Another sad waste is the 'sampling' that goes on. Sure, IKEA puts out toys and furniture to try out, and for our kids to play with, but you arent supposed to take stuff away !! Admittedly, it's a minority who stoop to stealing.... but there are also some parents who seem totally oblivious to the fact that their children are damaging goods.

Please people, read the signs, respect what is not yours. In the zoo, behave like a monkey if you want; in the office, dont let go till you have your pound of flesh; in Parliament, show your colours by putting down the minority opposition with fatuous non sequiturs; but in IKEA, why not be as civilised as a Swede?