Lite n’ Easy – Miss Moneybags.

I was listening to Lite n’ Easy in the cab this morning (101.5 FM in Ipoh, 105.7 FM in the Klang Valley) and they were talking about an email from “Miss Moneybags”.

Miss Moneybags is dating a guy who is “fun, sensitive, and interesting”, but who earns less than her. Their dates tend to be in budget locations, to accommodate his budget, but she is fine with this. Her only problem is that she has tried to pay for their meals a few times, but he has refused to let her do so. She asked Simon and Caroline “at what point does it become OK for the woman to start sharing the cost of the dates”.

I did not have a phone to call in then, so I will just blog my response. I had two issues with this question.

The first was not with the woman or her boyfriend, but with the people whom I heard giving advice before I got out of the cab:
People gave advice in a tone that said “You should share the cost, and not expect to get things paid for for you.” The advice totally missed the issue, which is that the guy does not want Miss Moneybags to pay, and prevents her from doing so. The thinking behind the advice seemed to be that Miss Moneybags was in need of advice and ‘correction’. No, Miss Moneybags is perfectly correct. It is the boyfriend that needs correction.

I think in this day and age, a man who thinks that he must provide everything for his woman and that she will expect him to do so needs his head examined for delusional behavior, and living in a twilight zone with values from 15 years ago.

Woman today can be as assertive and independent as any man. She knows her abilities, and how to use them in her environment. What she needs from her man is not a patronizing, paternalistic attitude, but a partnership. Woman is ready to move (in Miss Moneybags’ case, has already moved) out of the shadow of man and contribute her own perspective to the world. Man now needs to be able to move away from the “me and my woman” mentality.

The attitude of “me and my woman” is not only insulting to woman, but diminishes the worth of man too. It insults woman because the attitude implies that the woman is an extension of the man, or part of, the man’s property. It diminishes man because by treating woman as a vassal or as property, man immediately creates a barrier – the ‘owner’ and the ‘owned’ can never communicate as freely as two equals.

So, I would suggest that Miss Moneybags tread carefully, and find out more about her boyfriends’ perspectives;
Does he expect, perhaps, that she should depend on him for her income after marriage?
Or perhaps he believes she will give up her career to take care of home and children in the future?
Or maybe he does not mind her working, as long as the house is kept clean and dinner is on the table when he gets home?

One of the suggestions given by the callers on the show was “get a pre-nuptial agreement”. To me, this is like planning to fail. Unfortunately, and this is definitely a reflection of where our society is heading, failed marriages are becoming entirely too common. So even though it goes against the grain for me, I must admit that might be good advice.

All my best to Miss Moneybags, and I hope things work out well for her.