Only in an IT organisation would you find people who could put the following in a document and expect other people to read it with a straight face:
THE JCL CREATES THE PDB LIBRARY, AND THEN INVOKES A NUMBER OF
ANAL.... MEMBERS.
At the very least, I suppose we can look on the bright side and say that even IT geeks are not spared from working with anal co-workers. But Dilbert already taught us that...
Tuesday 14 August 2007
Wednesday 18 July 2007
Lunch Out
Aah... hot Pan Meen.
I went out for lunch at a food court today, a break from the usual tomato-and-cheese-on-wholemeal sandwitch.
(what - you have not tried one of those before? get outta here man - you dont know what you are missing !! I will post the recipe later!)
I met up with Khyun, hoping to rehash old times and regrind old axes. Unfortunately, he is too professional (a rare trait in a Malaysian - most can only master the anal part of "professional") to speak badly of his employer to an outsider.... so part of the conversation at least, was stillborn.
Oh hum.... 2000 people in the organisation, and I have to befriend one of the professionals.
Anyway, his tongue may be tied, but his powers of observation are not abated. Khyun wondered why the cooks and service people in the food court all wore surgical masks under their chins!! We could think of a few possibilities:
I went out for lunch at a food court today, a break from the usual tomato-and-cheese-on-wholemeal sandwitch.
(what - you have not tried one of those before? get outta here man - you dont know what you are missing !! I will post the recipe later!)
I met up with Khyun, hoping to rehash old times and regrind old axes. Unfortunately, he is too professional (a rare trait in a Malaysian - most can only master the anal part of "professional") to speak badly of his employer to an outsider.... so part of the conversation at least, was stillborn.
Oh hum.... 2000 people in the organisation, and I have to befriend one of the professionals.
Anyway, his tongue may be tied, but his powers of observation are not abated. Khyun wondered why the cooks and service people in the food court all wore surgical masks under their chins!! We could think of a few possibilities:
- the surgical masks on the chin are an innovative way to prevent drool from falling into the food.
- its hot around the stoves and ovens, and sweat (read "perspiration" for the cultured) trickles down your face. The surgical mask will redirect it down your neck and into your shirt, instead of it dripping off the tip of your chin, and into the food.
Monday 25 June 2007
LCD TV
Overheard in a shopping mall:
"Dear, shall we get one of those?" he says, pointing to a humongous 50-inch LCD TV on Special Discount.
"Yeah, right. And we will have to sit in the Tan's front porch across the road to watch CSI." Said the wife. "Why dont we get this one?" She said, pointing to a 26-incher.
He pouted like an M.P. forced to apologise for making a sexist remark [1] [2] in Parliament: "If we wanted something that size, we might as well buy a regular TV" he said;
"You can't call it conspicuous consumption if it isn't conspicuous enough....."
For those who are interested, I found this LCD TV buying guide, and heres how to buy an LCD TV in 8 easy steps.
"Dear, shall we get one of those?" he says, pointing to a humongous 50-inch LCD TV on Special Discount.
"Yeah, right. And we will have to sit in the Tan's front porch across the road to watch CSI." Said the wife. "Why dont we get this one?" She said, pointing to a 26-incher.
He pouted like an M.P. forced to apologise for making a sexist remark [1] [2] in Parliament: "If we wanted something that size, we might as well buy a regular TV" he said;
"You can't call it conspicuous consumption if it isn't conspicuous enough....."
For those who are interested, I found this LCD TV buying guide, and heres how to buy an LCD TV in 8 easy steps.
Tuesday 19 June 2007
The Heavenly Clocks
An Indian man died and went to heaven. When he arrived at Heaven's Gate, The Lord Siva said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here."
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere!!
There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner.
It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant warehouse of clocks.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked,
"My Lord Siva, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?"
The Lord Siva replied,
"The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Aru, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move."
"Click" The minute hand on Aru's clock moved one minute. "Click" It moved another minute.
"Aru must be closing a deal with a customer right now." said The Lord Siva. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day."
The man and The Lord Siva continued walking. Soon, they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand.
"Whose clock is this?" asked the man.
"That clock belongs to the Widow Achi. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. Her clock hasn't moved in years." said The Lord Siva.
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said,
"I've seen everyone's clock but Mr. Samy Vellu's. Where is his clock?"
The Lord Siva smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock as a ceiling fan."
(This is an old joke, and has been used with the names of many politicians in the punch line... I am including it here because it is always amusing - no matter which politician is targeted - and because someone took the trouble to translate it from the Judeo-Christian 'God' or 'Jesus' to the more Malaysian 'Lord Siva'.
The reference to Mr. Samy Vellu is a non-sequitur since everyone of course knows that Mr. Samy Vellu is an honest and upright man who practices transparency in politics and ensures the development and promotion of young and aspiring persons to positions of responsibility in the Government.)
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere!!
There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner.
It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant warehouse of clocks.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked,
"My Lord Siva, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?"
The Lord Siva replied,
"The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Aru, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move."
"Click" The minute hand on Aru's clock moved one minute. "Click" It moved another minute.
"Aru must be closing a deal with a customer right now." said The Lord Siva. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day."
The man and The Lord Siva continued walking. Soon, they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand.
"Whose clock is this?" asked the man.
"That clock belongs to the Widow Achi. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. Her clock hasn't moved in years." said The Lord Siva.
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said,
"I've seen everyone's clock but Mr. Samy Vellu's. Where is his clock?"
The Lord Siva smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock as a ceiling fan."
(This is an old joke, and has been used with the names of many politicians in the punch line... I am including it here because it is always amusing - no matter which politician is targeted - and because someone took the trouble to translate it from the Judeo-Christian 'God' or 'Jesus' to the more Malaysian 'Lord Siva'.
The reference to Mr. Samy Vellu is a non-sequitur since everyone of course knows that Mr. Samy Vellu is an honest and upright man who practices transparency in politics and ensures the development and promotion of young and aspiring persons to positions of responsibility in the Government.)
Work Life Balance
The guy sitting next to me has been agonising about whether to skip the weekly 'Project updates' tomorrow, because it's his daughters' birthday. You may know the type of meeting - it involves people in the UK and US, and it starts at 10pm.
He thinks he should not need to, since his project is not even on the agenda. Surprisingly, his wife, who knows he has attended this meeting in the past, thinks he should attend.
You know what they say - "Behind every successful man you will find a pushy woman."
Mercifully, in his 'in-box' today, there was a note from his manager saying all those with no items on the agenda need not attend. So go ahead Tom, take the family out for dinner. IPOH CHICKEN RICE anyone?
He thinks he should not need to, since his project is not even on the agenda. Surprisingly, his wife, who knows he has attended this meeting in the past, thinks he should attend.
You know what they say - "Behind every successful man you will find a pushy woman."
Mercifully, in his 'in-box' today, there was a note from his manager saying all those with no items on the agenda need not attend. So go ahead Tom, take the family out for dinner. IPOH CHICKEN RICE anyone?
Friday 15 June 2007
Word of the Day
bourgeoisie [(boor-zhwah-zee)]
In general, the middle class. Applied to the Middle Ages, it refers to townspeople, who were neither nobles nor peasants. In Marxism it refers to those who control the means of production and do not live directly by the sale of their labor. Karl Marx distinguished between the “haute” (high) bourgeoisie (industrialists and financiers) and the “petite” (small or “petty”) bourgeoisie (shopkeepers, self-employed artisans, lawyers). Marxism postulates a fundamental conflict between the interests of the bourgeoisie and those of the propertyless workers, the proletariat.
Example:
“Following the serving of her prison sentence, Paris Hilton experienced an epiphany and changed her life, eventually converting the New York Hilton hotel into a convent, establishing her own order of nuns and becoming recognized as the patron saint of the bourgeoisie.”
Monday 7 May 2007
Lite n’ Easy – Miss Moneybags.
I was listening to Lite n’ Easy in the cab this morning (101.5 FM in Ipoh, 105.7 FM in the Klang Valley) and they were talking about an email from “Miss Moneybags”.
Miss Moneybags is dating a guy who is “fun, sensitive, and interesting”, but who earns less than her. Their dates tend to be in budget locations, to accommodate his budget, but she is fine with this. Her only problem is that she has tried to pay for their meals a few times, but he has refused to let her do so. She asked Simon and Caroline “at what point does it become OK for the woman to start sharing the cost of the dates”.
I did not have a phone to call in then, so I will just blog my response. I had two issues with this question.
The first was not with the woman or her boyfriend, but with the people whom I heard giving advice before I got out of the cab:
People gave advice in a tone that said “You should share the cost, and not expect to get things paid for for you.” The advice totally missed the issue, which is that the guy does not want Miss Moneybags to pay, and prevents her from doing so. The thinking behind the advice seemed to be that Miss Moneybags was in need of advice and ‘correction’. No, Miss Moneybags is perfectly correct. It is the boyfriend that needs correction.
I think in this day and age, a man who thinks that he must provide everything for his woman and that she will expect him to do so needs his head examined for delusional behavior, and living in a twilight zone with values from 15 years ago.
Woman today can be as assertive and independent as any man. She knows her abilities, and how to use them in her environment. What she needs from her man is not a patronizing, paternalistic attitude, but a partnership. Woman is ready to move (in Miss Moneybags’ case, has already moved) out of the shadow of man and contribute her own perspective to the world. Man now needs to be able to move away from the “me and my woman” mentality.
The attitude of “me and my woman” is not only insulting to woman, but diminishes the worth of man too. It insults woman because the attitude implies that the woman is an extension of the man, or part of, the man’s property. It diminishes man because by treating woman as a vassal or as property, man immediately creates a barrier – the ‘owner’ and the ‘owned’ can never communicate as freely as two equals.
So, I would suggest that Miss Moneybags tread carefully, and find out more about her boyfriends’ perspectives;
Does he expect, perhaps, that she should depend on him for her income after marriage?
Or perhaps he believes she will give up her career to take care of home and children in the future?
Or maybe he does not mind her working, as long as the house is kept clean and dinner is on the table when he gets home?
One of the suggestions given by the callers on the show was “get a pre-nuptial agreement”. To me, this is like planning to fail. Unfortunately, and this is definitely a reflection of where our society is heading, failed marriages are becoming entirely too common. So even though it goes against the grain for me, I must admit that might be good advice.
All my best to Miss Moneybags, and I hope things work out well for her.
Miss Moneybags is dating a guy who is “fun, sensitive, and interesting”, but who earns less than her. Their dates tend to be in budget locations, to accommodate his budget, but she is fine with this. Her only problem is that she has tried to pay for their meals a few times, but he has refused to let her do so. She asked Simon and Caroline “at what point does it become OK for the woman to start sharing the cost of the dates”.
I did not have a phone to call in then, so I will just blog my response. I had two issues with this question.
The first was not with the woman or her boyfriend, but with the people whom I heard giving advice before I got out of the cab:
People gave advice in a tone that said “You should share the cost, and not expect to get things paid for for you.” The advice totally missed the issue, which is that the guy does not want Miss Moneybags to pay, and prevents her from doing so. The thinking behind the advice seemed to be that Miss Moneybags was in need of advice and ‘correction’. No, Miss Moneybags is perfectly correct. It is the boyfriend that needs correction.
I think in this day and age, a man who thinks that he must provide everything for his woman and that she will expect him to do so needs his head examined for delusional behavior, and living in a twilight zone with values from 15 years ago.
Woman today can be as assertive and independent as any man. She knows her abilities, and how to use them in her environment. What she needs from her man is not a patronizing, paternalistic attitude, but a partnership. Woman is ready to move (in Miss Moneybags’ case, has already moved) out of the shadow of man and contribute her own perspective to the world. Man now needs to be able to move away from the “me and my woman” mentality.
The attitude of “me and my woman” is not only insulting to woman, but diminishes the worth of man too. It insults woman because the attitude implies that the woman is an extension of the man, or part of, the man’s property. It diminishes man because by treating woman as a vassal or as property, man immediately creates a barrier – the ‘owner’ and the ‘owned’ can never communicate as freely as two equals.
So, I would suggest that Miss Moneybags tread carefully, and find out more about her boyfriends’ perspectives;
Does he expect, perhaps, that she should depend on him for her income after marriage?
Or perhaps he believes she will give up her career to take care of home and children in the future?
Or maybe he does not mind her working, as long as the house is kept clean and dinner is on the table when he gets home?
One of the suggestions given by the callers on the show was “get a pre-nuptial agreement”. To me, this is like planning to fail. Unfortunately, and this is definitely a reflection of where our society is heading, failed marriages are becoming entirely too common. So even though it goes against the grain for me, I must admit that might be good advice.
All my best to Miss Moneybags, and I hope things work out well for her.
Monday 5 March 2007
Not Leaving a job.
From an old friend, I got the following email:
Cicak-Man
Hi Cicak-Man,
I have just continued reading your 'beloved masterpiece'. ..blah.. ..blah.. ..blah.. Coffee-drinker has also made up his mind to leave ACME to venture into another company/place. I have been working closely with him for the past Y years!
So I refresh my memory by going thro' your 'Leaving A Job'. Wish I have the opportunity to do the same.
For the past XX years, I think I have at least 6 good and close friends who have left this dept and yet I am still here. Something must be very wrong with me, do u agree?
Hope to hear from you soon.
Warmest Regards,
She-Ra
Hello She-Ra,
By no means should you think that there is something wrong with you. In fact, you are possibly closer to the “normal” behavior than the rest of us who have been hopping jobs. There are a lot of issues to be faced by someone moving jobs, and it is not an easy decision. So there is nothing wrong with a person choosing to be certain of their environment, rather than take a risk and venture into the unknown.
Many people will say – and I do too, to a certain extent, that we all have to get out of our ‘comfort zone’ and try something new, or, like in my blog, one should not stay in a place that makes one unhappy - - - but understand this; all these statements are general, sweeping comments, and by their nature can not apply to all people. Every person has to balance his or her own needs and ambitions against those of the family, spouse and children. (In typical unfair fashion, our patriarchal society expects the women to do this, but I believe this applies to men as well, and I do know men who follow this philosophy.) Wanting a better job sometimes needs to take a back seat to bringing up the children, or supporting a spouse who has a better paying, but also high stressed job, or taking care of elderly parents.
Look back, and savor the good things and good experiences you have had; looking out over 2 oceans from
Cicak-Man
Monday 5 February 2007
How To Shower Like a Man
(No, Sweetie, I didn't write this either. It came in the same mail as the "woman" one.)
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican with your hair.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican with your hair.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
How To Shower Like a Woman
(No sweetie, I didn't write this - it was emailed to me)
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth.
Use long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Mr Muscle Bathrooms.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth.
Use long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Mr Muscle Bathrooms.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Wednesday 24 January 2007
More readers!!!
Well well well..!! It looks like "Vroom" has also started reading my blog. He called and asked about job opportunities, and sent me his resume....
(Yeah sure - like I can make decisions on anything more than which button on the coffee machine I am going to push. Still, one should help one's friends, so I passed his resume over to HR.)
Anyway - he had some good things to say about this blog, so THANK YOU "Vroom", and keep reading. Hope to keep you entertained.
This pushes my official readership number up 50% to a massive total of 3.
Assuming, of course, Kyun and Phillipi still check out these pages....
But wait. I just got a note from Jan saying he will read this too.
OOh la la !! 200% readership increase in the month of Jan 2007. Things are looking good.
Guess this means I have to get off my fat a** and actually start writing on a more regular basis.
Would be nice to get comments posted once in a while...
(Yeah sure - like I can make decisions on anything more than which button on the coffee machine I am going to push. Still, one should help one's friends, so I passed his resume over to HR.)
Anyway - he had some good things to say about this blog, so THANK YOU "Vroom", and keep reading. Hope to keep you entertained.
This pushes my official readership number up 50% to a massive total of 3.
Assuming, of course, Kyun and Phillipi still check out these pages....
But wait. I just got a note from Jan saying he will read this too.
OOh la la !! 200% readership increase in the month of Jan 2007. Things are looking good.
Guess this means I have to get off my fat a** and actually start writing on a more regular basis.
Would be nice to get comments posted once in a while...
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